I cry for what I am losing…

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Today, 24 December 2020, is our 51st anniversary. This was a much different day than any I had ever expected. Not just the virus, but Mike’s health.

This photo shows Mike as things are going now. Usually sleeping, when he’s awake he’s irritable, and agitated. He still can’t sit still even with the medication the doctor recently gave to him.

I had a bit of crying jag today – I had been dealing all day with Mike’s restlessness, and constant agitation. It’s exhausting for me, I am sure it’s much more so for him. I cried for what’s lost, what will never be again. I cried because there is nothing I can do to help him feel better, and I cried for myself – I am so sorry to see him slipping away from me and I know this is a losing battle. There is no reversal, we can only hope things slow down, and I don’t see that happening!

I posted in a dementia group about this and one woman said I must be fearful – NO! Not at all. I feel lost, I am in unfamiliar territory and I don’t know how to proceed. I feel I am the mother of a small child; yet this is my husband. This is my protector – but no more. I am now his protector. I have to fix him food, and place it in front of him & then I have to keep reminding him to eat; when I give him his medication, I have to make sure he doesn’t set it down and forget it; I have to keep an eye out for where he leaves his glasses, shoes, coat, gloves, etc. etc. etc. I spend lots of time helping him search for his things.

He was feeling very upset that he hadn’t gotten out to get me anything for our anniversary, not even a card. I don’t care, I just wish I had him back. He was also upset that he hadn’t gotten out to get me anything for Christmas and again, I don’t care. I do know, that since I shop all year, and I have stuff for him, I will not embarrass him by putting it under the tree. I will incorporate the clothes I purchased into his closet and he won’t know they’re new. I will also put the book I got him onto the bookcase and not mention it. I will give him 1 item – a heated vest, he gets very cold and hopefully this will help him.

In the grand scheme of things, I am beginning to wonder if he will be with me next year. At the rate he seems to be going downhill, I don’t have an answer, but my gut feeling is he will be gone from me physically!

I am sad, and I cry.

It’s my 51st anniversary – have a good evening.

Published by motherpooh

I am a Mom and a Grandma. I like photography, genealogy, scrapbooking, canning, and gardening

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