James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Self talk can be very defeating! And it’s hard to get to the positive side of it, when you’re dealing with major things. The Scripture verse, above, was one I really needed to have today. I am feeling so overwhelmed with it all.
Mike went to PT today, then we went for a meal – his only meal of the day. Then at 5:30pm he announced he was going to bed for the night! And I realized – I am alone! For all intents, and purposes, I am totally, fully, alone. By myself, with no one to rely on, no one has my back, no one has me in their safety net. I am the safety net for Mike, but I have no one – and he fights me constantly over every little freaking thing! I am a married woman, who is single in life. My husband is here, he argues with me over everything I want to do in the house; he argues with me over everything I want to fix, or paint, or throw away, or clean up, or hire someone to help me, he’s here. But he’s not here to do these things for me. He forgets how to use his phone, how is he going to use a drill? He forgets he’s going into the kitchen, and ends up opening the front door, how is he going to find the shop? He forgets he’s going to the family room and ends up in the upstairs hallway, how is he going to remember what needs to be fixed? For years I begged him to teach me how to use power tools, how to hitch a trailer, how to repair a broken hinge, how to put up brackets for curtain rods, and on and on and on. I didn’t need to learn that, he’s here for me! but now he’s not and I don’t know how. When I try to figure it out he takes things away from me, he undoes whatever I’ve managed to do, he says he needs to make sure I did it correctly; but then he can’t remember how to put it back again. The frustration here goes on and on, and I am alone.
I’ve gone to coffee, about a month ago, with one of my local friends; another friend has called, thankfully, just to make sure I am okay and I am blessed in that. But mostly I go several days without talking to anyone at all. I’ve had to miss 2 Sunday services now, and I’ve had to give up Ladies Bible Study – no one has called to chat with me. 1 woman was kind enough to get information for some resources for me, and she called, from work this morning, with that. This is a lonely journey.