Alone


Mark 9:50 Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.”

When we ended our cruise in Sydney, I had different, local, tours set up for us. This is one of our tour directors with Mike, in Paddington, Australia. Mike is explaining the brick work layout. October 2019

Do you ever feel totally left out? From family, friends, neighbors, everyone? Tonight, I do. We moved to Idaho because our son begged us to come and be Grandpa and Grandma to his babies – my heart sang with joy at the invitation and 7 1/2 years ago we packed up what we couldn’t sell, and moved to Idaho. And here we are. We don’t get invited to participate in their family stuff, whether it’s a school activity, a sports activity, or whatever. When they are here, no one says hello unless I speak up and stop them to make them say hi, they just breeze through the house without even acknowledging that we’re here. They walk in after school and don’t even say hello. I know our son is busy with his business, but he rarely stops in to say hi and to check how things are going. I have to approach him. I hate asking for things, but I have no one. Mike is unable to do anything for me, or with me. Mike rarely speaks to me unless he’s upset about something and then it’s a yelling fest. Otherwise I am totally ignored. He sleeps almost all day, everyday, and I am stuck in the house because I can’t trust him alone and I have no one.

Now, as of last Monday, I get 3 hours 2x a week to do stuff, and yesterday I did get out to enjoy a bit of time with a friend, but mostly I am running errands, shopping for groceries, paying bills, getting prescriptions, etc. All the things I can’t do when Mike is home, asleep on the sofa. I am not sleeping much, because I have to be on alert in case Mike decides to wander the house at night.

I was going to hire Staples to come in and figure out why my printer is always in error mode, Robert said he’d look at it, but that was 3 weeks ago. I have a cabinet that needs to be put together, I was told it would happen – It’s been here over a month still in the box. And I have some raised garden beds that need to be put together, but something needs to be fixed and so it sits.

I can’t do this alone. I can’t manage the whole entire everything without some consistent help. I can’t afford the high cost of having just yard maintenance! Just the mowing is costing me $300 a month! To have a water line put in with a faucet, not even sprinklers, is going to cost $1,500. I have to rearrange my medical needs to accommodate Michael’s schedule at the Bennett House. I am feeling defeated and I dread the weekends now. Mike tends to lose it either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon and he calls me foul names, and he cusses at me and tells me I am untrustworthy and unreliable. He tells me he’d be better off alone without me. And I don’t know if this is the dementia, or if he’s using that as an excuse to berate and belittle me.

Right now Mike is upset with me because I’ve told him on more than one occasion, today, that he’s forgotten to turn the water off. It’s been left running in his bathroom, in the kitchen, in the pool, in the powder room on the main floor of the house. I haven’t told him all the other times he’s left it running. Like yesterday, and the day before, and a couple of days before that, etc.

I’m tired, Mike is still up, eating a pie. (it’s midnight) I’ve asked him to go to bed, and he said he’s not ready. Great – he’ll be up all night and I won’t get any sleep. Then he’ll go to the Bennett House tomorrow and sleep and I have things that need to get done! At this rate, I don’t know what’s going to happen! (sigh)

Published by motherpooh

I am a Mom and a Grandma. I like photography, genealogy, scrapbooking, canning, and gardening

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