Those in Authority

Luke 7:50 Then He said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”

Mike and me, Queenstown, South Island, New Zealand

I called the neurologist office this morning to see if the doctor would see me without Mike, and they said yes! I was told I would get 15 minutes at 11:15am. I prayed about what I needed to cover, then I made a list of high points to make sure I talked about them. So, Mike went to lunch with the guys, and I made it over to the office and needed to wait, they were running a tad late, so I didn’t get in until 11:25 and the doctor talked with me. My 1st statement to the doctor was Mike has always been an authoritarian and he’s been the man in charge on the fire department. Being a haz-mat captain, he could have anywhere from 50-250 guys under his leadership, depending on the nature of the incident. Therefore, my being his ‘wife’ didn’t put me in a position of leadership in his mind. I told the doctor, I needed HIS authority to override Mike.

I mentioned the driving, Mike wanting to purchase a truck, the issue with the ride mower and my concerns with Mike using power tools. The doctor said in order for Mike’s license to be rescinded, he must 1st show that he has told Mike not to drive, and if Mike continues, then the license will/can be rescinded. The doctor wrote a letter to Mike stating that due to the crashes with the Nissan, the breaking of the ride mower and the safety issues with using power tools that Mike should cease any and all of those activities (not those exact words – I don’t have the letter in front of me right now)

So now I have to wait until the mower is dropped off on Wednesday at noon, and then I will give Mike the letter. The repair shop has said that whoever was driving the mower when it broke, shouldn’t be allowed to use it again! And they don’t know the situation with Mike at all.

As soon as I left the doctor’s office, the plumber guys called and they were an hour ahead of schedule, so I needed to hurry home and meet them so they could work on the sink in the master bathroom – they were pulling into the driveway just ahead of me

The plumbers got to work on the sink, and Mike was back home at 12:30. He immediately went to sleep on the sofa and stayed there until almost 4:30, then he went to the family room to watch tv.

While Mike was occupied, I cleaned up some trash and stuff around the yard, and I managed to put the winter tires into the back end of the jeep – those things are soooo heavy! Now my whole body aches from moving, and lifting, all 4 of them. After that was accomplished, I did some laundry, worked in my closet, and worked on my diamond painting project.

Then I got my shower, a cup of hot tea, and a good book. It’s time to relax a little.

Trying

Mark 9:50 Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.”

Me and Mike in Eglinton Valley, Fjordland National Park, New Zealand October 2019

Mike was up at 8:30, asked for his meds, asked if Rick was getting him today, and slept on the sofa from 8:45-11:15 I dropped him off at Bennett House, and then I did errands. I went to the bank, the pharmacy, the hardware store – I got the shelving and brackets to put onto the tracks that are in the garage. I will have to wait until Monday, or Wednesday, next week to get started.

After I got Mike at 2:30, we headed home and he slept from 2:45 – 5:15 and we left for Wednesday night dinner, and services. Mike only got lost 1x tonight. We got home at 8:15 and he got his evening meds, then went to bed.

After we got home, I check my phone, and I had a message from the doctor’s office. They want to try to get Mike in at 11 am tomorrow morning – nope, that’s not going to happen. I have worked to darn hard to get his Thursday routine set up, and I don’t want to mess it up now. I told the doctor I wanted to see him at 11 without Mike, and now he wants Mike there. 😦

While we were at church tonight, one of the lunch guys has offered to take Mike to man camp the end of June and I will have from Friday afternoon, through Sunday afternoon, to myself! I have a multitude of ideas I want to consider for that time alone!

While Mike has gone to bed, I have managed to find some papers I need for tomorrow; a check from the insurance company to put onto my visa bill; and these will be put on hold if the doctor will see me without Mike in attendance.

I am trying to get the house better organized, but having to work around a short window of time 2x a week makes for tricky maneuvering in the overall workings of things. It’s going to take a while to accomplish my goals, but I will continue to work on projects as much as I can

Proper Protocol

Matthew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God

Me and Mike at Bondi Beach, Australia October 2019

When I got downstairs at 7:30 this morning, Mike was sleeping on the sofa. I woke him up to check on him, and he asked me if Rick had cancelled for the day. I told him no, today was the chiropractor and not lunch with the guys. He said he was going to sleep until it was time to leave, I tried to get him to take his morning meds, but he wouldn’t; and he slept until 9:15, then we left the house.

Mike stumbled and shuffled his way through the entire day. Referencing things that didn’t make sense, if/when I could understand what he was saying in the first place. We were home at 1 pm this afternoon, and again I tried to get Mike to take his meds, and again he wouldn’t. I kept them in my sweater pocket, in a baggie, hoping to get him to take them at some point.

Around 5 pm Mike decided he wanted pizza, since Iron Pizza was closed, we ended up at Fire Artesian Pizza and had a nice meal with artichoke dip and crusty bread for our appetizer, and a pesto pizza with grilled chicken for the main course.

Getting home about 7:30 I asked Mike about taking his meds, and he said yes, and he wanted this evening meds also! That worries me somewhat, but I give them to him (He has one med that I cut in 1/2 and give it to him 2x a day so he ends up with 500 mg and I took the other 1/2 out of the evening baggie. I know it makes him very sleepy if he takes 500 mg at once. Anyway – within 10 minutes of taking everything Mike could barely hold himself up! I convinced him to go to bed and I stayed with him while he got into bed. Now he’s asleep, and I hope when he wakes up in the morning he feels okay.

I won’t let that happen again, I will have to call the doctor and find out what the proper protocol is in this situation – I was concerned with him going downstairs being so unsteady and I helped him get his jeans off, because he kept losing his balance when he tried.

And in dealing with this, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, only about 5 hours – I’m feeling tired, and I am closing now to try to get some rest, after I go check on Mike and make sure he’s okay.

Scheduling

James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath

Me and Mike in Sydney Australia, going on a dinner cruise October 2019

Mike got up about 10:15 asked me what time was Rick picking him up. I told him today was Bennett House, he said oh! okay. Then he took his morning meds, and laid down on the sofa and fell asleep again. I woke him about 11:10 to go to the Bennett House, and he took quite a bit of time to tie his shoes. In the meantime, I ran to the family room to get his jacket, since it was chilly and raining.

After I dropped Mike off, I called the doctor’s office to see if I could get an appointment to go in and talk to the doctor 1 on 1 about Mike. They have to clear it with the doctor before that can be scheduled. I was told they are probably checking to see if the HIPPA papers are in order to be allowed to do that. I also ordered Mike’s medical records for the attorney in Los Angeles. I have to have Mike e-sign the document so I can pick them up.

From there I drove over to Bakery by the Lake to meet with friends, Heather and Cindy, and have coffee, and conversation! I really enjoyed that, great ladies to visit with and lots of laughter.

When I went to pick Mike up to go home, I was invited to lunch with everyone at Bennett House on Wednesday – it’s a barbecue. I have a couple of things I want to try to do prior to the lunch, so I am hoping I can drop Mike off, run over to Home Depot and get what I need for a project, and then get back over to enjoy the barbecue with Mike. If it works okay, then on Thursday, while Mike’s at lunch, I can begin my project. I would have a good 2 hours and could probably make decent progress.

We got into the house at 2:45 this afternoon, and Mike immediately laid down on the sofa and went to sleep until 4:45. Then he went to the family room to watch tv. When I took his evening meds to him, he was sitting there, all bundled up with blankets over him. I made sure the meds were taken, and went to take my shower, by the time I was out of the shower, the tv was off and his bedroom door was closed.

Now it’s time for me to shut down for the evening.

Confused

Lamentations 3:22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail

Me and Mike, April 2021

Mike woke me at 5:30 this morning for his appointment. I convinced him he didn’t have one this morning (it’s Sunday) and I told him he needed to go back to bed. He then asked if he had forgotten to take his meds. I told him No, it’s not time yet, please go back to bed. He finally went to his room, but I was awake! I turned off all the lights he had turned on, but I had forgotten to check the thermostat! He had it turned up to 78. Robert suggested getting a locking plastic cover for it and I agree.

Mike finally got up about 11 for the day, and after breakfast, and his meds, he snoozed on the sofa, then went to the family room to watch TV.

Mike wanted to clean up the back yard, and under the gazebo a little, and it took him over an hour to do the little bit he did, I told him I was happy he was outside. I soon realized he had turned up the thermostat again! I told him it was higher now than it had been all winter, and I was going to have to do something so he couldn’t change it anymore. He didn’t respond, so I will proceed.

This evening, Mike told me he hadn’t slept all day, and I told him he had slept on the sofa after breakfast, he insisted he hadn’t been asleep, but his snoring says different.

Mike seemed a little more confused today, and I dont know how to determine where he is, in his mind. I’m sure he’s scared and frustrated, but I don’t know what to do.

For now, he’s in bed for the night.

Peaceful

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

Mike feeding cockatiels in Sherbrooke, Australia October 2019

It was a cold, blustery, day and we spent the majority of it inside. Mike slept until 11 am then after breakfast, he went back to sleep. I read a book, worked on my diamond painting project and filed some paperwork.

The pharmacy texted that Mike had a prescription ready to be picked up, so we drove over there, then went to Elmer’s for their strawberry/chicken salad, and we also had a cup of clam chowder. It had begun to thunder and lightening on our way over to Elmer’s and by the time we finished and got home, it was pouring! Mike read his book for a bit, and I played solitaire on the computer. Mike decided to lay down on the sofa to go to sleep and I strongly convinced him he needed to go to bed.

Once he went to his room, I did the dishes, and cleaned the kitchen. There wasn’t much else going on, except the rain.

It was a peaceful day, with no drama, no trauma, and no upsets. I am praying tomorrow continues that way. I much prefer this to major upsets!

Mike is in bed, most likely, already asleep – and I am shutting down so I can turn out the lights and call it a night.

This and That

Romans 5:1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ

Mike trying some vegemite on a cracker October 2019

Mike slept until 10:15 and when he got to the main floor of the house he asked how soon would he be picked up. I asked “why?” and he said, “you know, I’m going with, you know, them” I pondered a few moments and then realized he thought the guys were going to be picking him up today. So I asked, “Do you mean Rick?” He nodded and I told him he went to lunch with them yesterday, they weren’t coming today. He didn’t remember he’d gone to lunch yesterday and he argued with me a few minutes saying, “No, today I go to lunch.” I then reminded him which restaurant he went to and again told him that was yesterday. He gave a big, frustrated, sigh and headed to the family room.

Robert showed up this afternoon and spent about an hour putting together the tall cabinet for my office. It’s not completed, but he just has to put on the back and the doors, then put it into place in the office. I am hoping to be able to empty a couple more boxes once it’s in place.

Mike is more determined than ever to purchase a truck! I have reached the point where I really must make an appointment to go in and talk to the doctor, I am hoping Robert will be able to go with me, and I am going to try to get the appointment on a day he is usually off work. I think it will be important for the doctor to know we are adamant about keeping Mike, and the public, safe!

I contacted the John Deere dealer about our ride mower – it is still a week out from being looked at to try to determine what’s going on with it. Once it’s home again, I will have to make sure it’s parked in a good spot before we lose the keys! And I don’t know if there is a spare key anywhere, so I have to begin looking for it now.

All in all, I am realizing that Mike is spending a minimum of 85% – 95% of each day sleeping! He’s up just enough to eat a little, and then right back to sleep. Sometimes he will turn on the tv and manage to watch a small amount of a program before dozing off in the lounge chair, and that’s okay. The only time he is really awake is going to an appointment, and he usually wants to get home right after so he can lay down again.

Mike has been in bed for at least 2 hours now, and I’ve decided I need to turn out my lights for this evening.

God’s Waiting Room

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Mike in Melbourne, Australia, October 2019

So….not being able to move forward – on projects, on anything, just necessarily being home taking care of Mike. Even getting 2 days a week, for 3 hours each day, is barely enough time for me to rejuvenate. I get a time to either run necessary errands, get groceries and put them away, or go have coffee with a friend. Any one of these leaves the other 2 possibilities hanging.

And doing projects at the house with Mike at home it quite impossible. He tries to take over, but he cannot remember how to do most things and I end up with a worse mess than before I started. Adding home projects into the mix with the errands, groceries, or coffee out, makes it that much harder to accomplish anything.

Hiring anyone is extremely expensive. I had one plant mister blow out, the sprinkler guy showed up, popped a small piece into the center of the mister and he was done. He was here less than 15 minutes for a grand total of $65.00!!! OMGosh! I am so disappointed that I let Mike convince me I didn’t need to know how to do this kind of stuff, because he took care of it. Now he is unable, and I don’t have a clue!

The projects I want/need to happen aren’t. I know at this point in time I am in God’s waiting room. He could allow someone to show up, and fix, or do, whatever I need and it’s not happened. So I have to wait. I’ve been in this room before and through the waiting process I drew closer to Him and my family. I am trying to be patient while waiting, it’s quite difficult. I am someone who like to make a plan, execute the plan and get the results. I am flexible enough to be able to make plan changes during the execution, if need be – but completion is the ultimate goal.

We had a shop built, and the shell was completed in March 2020 – I begged Mike to do the insulation and dry wall prior to emptying the storage units and he fully refused to even consider my request. Now the shop is packed with boxes, there is no shelving, no insulation, nothing. There is no place to store anything, just piles of boxes. (Ugh) And no matter what I try to do in the shop – Mike undoes it. If I move boxes, he puts them back. If I unload a box, he repacks it. If I pack stuff up into a box, he unpacks it. He keeps saying he’s checking to make sure it was done properly, but I work hard, and he fully undermines whatever I try to do. So I have to stop. He’s now incapable of understanding what needs to be done and he that is just how it is.

Now he wants to buy a truck! He needs a truck, he keeps telling me this. I tell him he doesn’t need a truck, we don’t need a truck and I don’t want the payments. He is angry with me now. He’s yelling that I am denying him and he wants control of his life back! What am I supposed to do now? So I will write a letter to the doctor asking him, again! to please rescind Mike’s license and to tell Mike he cannot, must not, drive a motor vehicle. I am thinking it’s reaching a critical stage where Robert and I will have to go into the office for a visit with the doctor, without Mike in attendance and find out where we stand on this. And for this part I have been asking for months for Mike’s license to be revoked. Another waiting room issue.

For now, I need to close. It’s late and tomorrow will be another long day of whatever.

Projects

John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Mike and me Ku-ring-gai Chase National Park day trip – October 2019

Today was still a melancholy day and though I was out and did a little shopping for myself, I seemed to drag. I’m sure not getting enough sleep last night was part of the tiredness I felt. After I dropped Mike off at the Bennett House, I had planned to go to Kaiju Sushi for lunch, but I had an errand to run, and it took most of my time, so I decided to go to the food truck, that Robert & Alycia have, and get a green salad based bowl. It was delicious, I got to visit a little with them and then it was time to get Mike

Mike was asleep, with a blanket over him, when I went in to get him, and as soon as we got home, he fell asleep on the sofa, jacket on, blanket over him. I let him sleep from 3 – 5 and we left to go to Candlelight Church

Mike didn’t want to stay and visit with anyone at the end of the program, and so we left and got home by 6:30. He again fell asleep on the sofa, and slept until 8 when I woke him to take his evening meds, then I sent him to bed, and he went without a fuss. The house seemed stifling hot and I check the thermometer and Mike had it set at 75! No wonder I am sweating a storm!

After he was in his room, I planted some mint a friend had given me, took a shower, did some dishes, and I managed to get the floor cleared in my office so I can begin to unpack the tall cabinet. I need to find the battery operated screwdriver before I unpack things – I don’t want to lose pieces of it while trying to locate the necessary tools. I will try to locate the screwdriver Thursday afternoon while Mike sleeps. I need to be stealthy about it, so he won’t have a clue and try to take over the process. Then I would really have a mess.

I think it might be best if I take my printer into Staples, to see if they can get it to work, somehow. It might cost a little less than having a home service call. I don’t think I still have the box, and so it will be a bit awkward to carry, but that’s going to have to wait until after the cabinet is finished. (I’ve decided if I work on 1 thing at a time, I might get it done). The cabinet may take several days, I’m not that handy with tools (Mike always did stuff and told me I didn’t need to learn how – now I really regret not pushing the issue) I also know I don’t have a ton of strength for lifting and carrying heavy items and I have to work in smaller sizes.

Tonight I realized there are shelving brackets on the left side of the garage as you drive in; I guess I never really paid that much attention to the walls in the garage. I also saw a bookcase I’d like to have in the office, in the garage. So, I will, eventually, get the metal holders and the boards to make the shelves, I will unload the bookcase, clean it up, and get it upstairs and I will put the items onto the shelves I plan to put up. Again, this will have to wait until after the cabinet gets completed. (How do you attach something like that to a wall?)

I have several things I need to get lined up so I can try to get things done, but first, I have to get some sleep.

Alone


Mark 9:50 Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.”

When we ended our cruise in Sydney, I had different, local, tours set up for us. This is one of our tour directors with Mike, in Paddington, Australia. Mike is explaining the brick work layout. October 2019

Do you ever feel totally left out? From family, friends, neighbors, everyone? Tonight, I do. We moved to Idaho because our son begged us to come and be Grandpa and Grandma to his babies – my heart sang with joy at the invitation and 7 1/2 years ago we packed up what we couldn’t sell, and moved to Idaho. And here we are. We don’t get invited to participate in their family stuff, whether it’s a school activity, a sports activity, or whatever. When they are here, no one says hello unless I speak up and stop them to make them say hi, they just breeze through the house without even acknowledging that we’re here. They walk in after school and don’t even say hello. I know our son is busy with his business, but he rarely stops in to say hi and to check how things are going. I have to approach him. I hate asking for things, but I have no one. Mike is unable to do anything for me, or with me. Mike rarely speaks to me unless he’s upset about something and then it’s a yelling fest. Otherwise I am totally ignored. He sleeps almost all day, everyday, and I am stuck in the house because I can’t trust him alone and I have no one.

Now, as of last Monday, I get 3 hours 2x a week to do stuff, and yesterday I did get out to enjoy a bit of time with a friend, but mostly I am running errands, shopping for groceries, paying bills, getting prescriptions, etc. All the things I can’t do when Mike is home, asleep on the sofa. I am not sleeping much, because I have to be on alert in case Mike decides to wander the house at night.

I was going to hire Staples to come in and figure out why my printer is always in error mode, Robert said he’d look at it, but that was 3 weeks ago. I have a cabinet that needs to be put together, I was told it would happen – It’s been here over a month still in the box. And I have some raised garden beds that need to be put together, but something needs to be fixed and so it sits.

I can’t do this alone. I can’t manage the whole entire everything without some consistent help. I can’t afford the high cost of having just yard maintenance! Just the mowing is costing me $300 a month! To have a water line put in with a faucet, not even sprinklers, is going to cost $1,500. I have to rearrange my medical needs to accommodate Michael’s schedule at the Bennett House. I am feeling defeated and I dread the weekends now. Mike tends to lose it either late Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon and he calls me foul names, and he cusses at me and tells me I am untrustworthy and unreliable. He tells me he’d be better off alone without me. And I don’t know if this is the dementia, or if he’s using that as an excuse to berate and belittle me.

Right now Mike is upset with me because I’ve told him on more than one occasion, today, that he’s forgotten to turn the water off. It’s been left running in his bathroom, in the kitchen, in the pool, in the powder room on the main floor of the house. I haven’t told him all the other times he’s left it running. Like yesterday, and the day before, and a couple of days before that, etc.

I’m tired, Mike is still up, eating a pie. (it’s midnight) I’ve asked him to go to bed, and he said he’s not ready. Great – he’ll be up all night and I won’t get any sleep. Then he’ll go to the Bennett House tomorrow and sleep and I have things that need to get done! At this rate, I don’t know what’s going to happen! (sigh)